Let me start with a question…..Why is it that just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, you can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, the universe turns around & slaps you upside the head?? Five weeks ago, I got the news that I’d been waiting eight months for; weirdly, it threw me for a loop slightly, but once I got my head around it, I was ok. Then the whole thing collapsed around me & now I’m back where I started. I’ve been angry, upset, frustrated, but now I am trying to find the lessons in this whole experience. I have made decisions that will make some of the people in my life unhappy, but at the age of almost 46, I have finally decided that I cannot live my life for other people. I have spent my life doing what was expected of me, agreeing with & to, things that made me very unhappy. I have been incapable of making virtually any decision, in case other people didn’t like it. I now firmly believe that the way I lived my life is one of the reasons I got breast cancer. I’ve been a second chance & I’m hoping that, Goddess willing, the people who love me will respect my decisions & respect ME as I am expected to respect them.
During the last four weeks of turmoil, I have been creating; not much, but a few bits & pieces. The first objects I made still make me smile, even though they no longer exist. One night during the snow I was waiting for a train, (long story; I got the wrong train originally & ended up in the middle of nowhere – almost!), feeling like I was slowly freezing to death, when it suddenly occurred to me that I could not remember the last time I made a snowman/snowperson. There was plenty of snow on the low wall beside the train track & these are what I made……
An angel & a………….. Fertility figure. They certainly wouldn”t win any sculpture prizes, but I like the basic nature of them & I enjoyed the few minutes I spent forming the snow – they are MY little pieces of art & as I said, they are no more, except in these pictures & my memory.
This week, for the first time in about thirty years, I picked up a paintbrush, dipped it in acrylic paint & put the paint onto pieces of cardboard – I’ve been saving cereal boxes for a while. It’s a strange feeling, I’m battling with my inner critic, who takes pleasure in repeating what my art teacher told me all those years ago; “I don’t know why you’re in this class, you’re completely hopeless at art”. So, while thanking the IC for sharing, I tell myself that I am simply playing with the paint; putting colour on card, making shapes & not being concerned with whether or not the end result is any good; in effect, being a child again. So far, so fun!
I’m getting a lot of help from a number of creativity books that I received as Christmas gifts. At the top of my list at the moment is “Taking Flight”, by Kelly Rae Roberts. In many respects, Kelly’s journey mirrors mine, although she is further along the road. She is inspirational & hugely creative. Her book combines her story with that of other artists, as well as easy to follow techniques, which add great depth & layers to her work & I’m excited about trying them for myself. Please visit her site & if you like what you see, you can purchase her pieces & her book is available on Amazon, & no, I am NOT on commission!!
That’s it for tonight, I’ve waffled on enough. Until next time,
Love & light.